Carl Wiesenhavern, a man of noble character, and, therefore a man who hates knavery, and has no fear of a knave, answered with his peculiar German coolness, Here I am, what do you want? Nobblers round, was the eager reply. If that's what you want, replied Wiesenhavern, you shall have it with pleasure. We got no money. I did not ask for any: understand me well, though; pointing at each of them with the forefinger of his clenched right hand, you will have a nobbler a-piece, and no more: afterwards you will go your way. Are you satisfied with my conditions?

Liverpool have now won only five of their 17 home league games this season. It is a poor return for a team of Liverpool's pedigree and resources but, once again, Kenny Dalglish's team were the instigators of their own downfall as chance after chance went begging.

The absolute state of you, Downey, you utter twonk. Like you have anything to do with the outcome of the bloody match! You need to confine this superstition malarkey to a flaming skip.

These are the times when you should take a deep breath and deeply soul-search your own actions to see whether you could have done anything at all that would have increased your tip.