Abby had rigorously polished every single wooden floor with Lynton's pub machine, and they had both inspected every room and amassed a huge pile of papers, documents and old folders, from drawers, chests and desks, all carefully laid out in Uncle William's old study, becoming now the research war-room.

Vajazzling, a beauty treatment that involves having little jewels glued to one's pubic area, had a whole episode of TOWIE, currently in its second series, devoted to it.

Thought this might be the perfect time to do the Feng Shui so went out and bought Cosmopolitan. Carefully, using the drawing in Cosmo, I mapped the ba-gua of the flat. Had a flash of horrified realization. There was a wastepaper basket in my Helpful Friends Corner. No wonder bloody Tom had disappeared.

We’re all circumbendibus, / Wherever we may be, / We’re all circumbendibus, / On land or on sea. / Rich or poor or middling, / Wherever we are found, / We’re all circumbendibus, / We’re all going round.