For reasons that defy explanation, they're PUNS. Monstrous puns. Puns so eye-rollingly BAD, they're an abomination to the vampire's refined senses. This affront to their immortal good taste leaves them writhing in agony—exposing all manner of vampireyness.

Gay, gentle, frolicsome as a lamb, yet strong, forbearant and royally courageous as a lion, he worked along, amid the scouring of kettles, the hissing of frying-pans, the hum of his mother's wheel[.]

I don't have to account to you for my actions.

What we call purchase, perquisitio, the feudists called conquest, conqucestus, or conquisitio