In addition, the proprietress is a Nazi. We barely escaped with our lives.

Just as girlie magazines have just enough words to convolutedly justify their “magazine” status, Fox News has just enough information to convolutedly justify its “news” status.

I asked her once how a little girl who didn't have blue eyes ended up being called Sapphire. She pursed her lips for a few seconds, clearly wondering how she could get away with not telling me. 'My older brother is called Mistral,' she said in the end. 'My younger sister is Blaze. I'd say I was the lucky one.' As I say, hippy parents.

I'm distressed that John hasn't answered my calls. I hope nothing bad happened to him on the way here.