Five minutes later, Southampton tried to mount their first attack, but Wickham sabotaged the move by tripping the rampaging Nathaniel Clyne, prompting the referee, Andre Marriner, to issue a yellow card. That was a lone blemish on an otherwise tidy start by Poyet’s team – until, that is, the 12th minute, when Vergini produced a candidate for the most ludicrous own goal in Premier League history.

John sent me a three-page report when I just wanted an answer on a postcard.

Jimbo had seen many drifters in all his years, and they all had that dead-pan look in their eyes.

When we swung open the door to the stairwell, Selfie was sitting on the stairs holding her phone at different angles near her foot. As I got closer, I realized she was photographing one of her high-heeled boots. Prezbo looked puzzled. Oh, hi. She glanced up at us. I'm taking a shoefie.