Rob Runchy, as a forlorn hope, once threw his clodding leister at a drowning man floating down the Yarrow in a high flood, and hauled him out with the lyams unharmed.

He pooped out a long, large turd.

Department for Transport statistics show that since 2010 overcrowding in the morning peak at 11 cities has risen by 48%, to reach 280,000 standing passengers daily.

Everyone's gone down with the flu, and I'm here in the office all by myself.