The news story caused a stir.

[…] lacke you not a neate handsome and cleanly yong Lad, about the age of fifteene or sixteene yeares, that can runne by your horse, and for a neede make your Mastershippes shooes as blacke as incke, howe say you sir.

Misdemeanorization is suggested as a rational solution to this situation.

My tongue […] unparch'd.