She hangs up on me. I can't believe her. One minute she's nice to me and the next she's a psychobitch.

The hour soon passed, and Charteris, having first seen the Oldest Inhabitant's nevvy romp home in the egg and spoon event, took himself off to the dressing-tent, and began to get into his running clothes.

The parsnip, stilton and chestnut combination may taste good, but it's not terribly decorative. In fact, dull's the word, a lingering adjectival ghost of nut roasts past that I'm keen to banish from the table. Mary Berry wraps her version in strips of chargrilled aubergine but, although it looks rather smart, I worry that something so Mediterranean will stick out like a sore thumb on the plate, given that many vegetarians want to enjoy the same roast potatoes, sprouts and sauces as everyone else. Instead, inspired by the stuffed cabbage rolls eaten at Christmas in the Balkans and Eastern Europe, I use blanched savoy cabbage leaves to wrap my parsnippy parcel, adding a touch of festive greenery to the dish.

I can see these pro-lifer's screams of “Stop killing the foetus” turn to “I ain't taking no mother yucking nickker home to my mother yucking house."