Before the cake, a malformed gateau would have seemed fine, like kittens falling off tables (only small tables, so they don’t get hurt) or people screengrabbing iPhone autocorrects that cause them to accidentally send rude texts to their mum.

Very soon he had a second addiction, phenobarbital; piled on top of his first one, alcohol. And the next step was to begin taking them together, just to be doubly sure he was going to feel better. He would wash down a “yellow jacket” pill with a shot of whisky.

[…] but our experienc'd matron very soon, by chafing it with her hands, brought it to swell to that size and erection I had before seen it up to.

The naked photos of that celebrity have been making the rounds in the tabloids.