I'm ready to take the blame for all the problems of English football, if that is what he wants. The handbags come out early doors when Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger responds to Ferguson's dig about the Gunners' foreign contingent.

And I was like: “What's your V-card?” And [Mike says]: “Here you go” [and hands the card to me]. So, [Mike's friends] had the card made for him, it was a V-card, a virgin card, and whatever girl he first has sex with, he's got to give her the V-card […]

She spent that night under her sheet of polythene and 'somehow managed to get only half wet', waking up the next morning to find that 'it had absolutely pissed down through the night'.

But apart from this, it is difficult for a man like Watt to tell a long story like Watt's without leaving out some things, and foisting in others.