John looked at a woman standing further down the carriage in bridal headdress surrounded by her hen party acolytes.

‘She's got the wrong aisle. At least she chose Virgin Trains. All train guards can marry folk you know. But the vows are only valid for the duration of the journey. You can always get off at Haymarket, know what I mean?’

The women shrieked as the inflatable male doll her friends had stowed in the overhead luggage rack idly dangled a leg.