Suck[y]. A Draught of Ale, Friend, for I'm main dry. / Pen[elope]. Fie! fie! Niece! Is that Liquor for a young Lady? Don't disparage your Family and Breeding!

It's a shame; not only are nuts quite ridiculously nutritious but, as anyone who's ever shelled out (sorry) for a tiny glass of pistachios in a pub will know, they're a guaranteed crowd-pleaser. But although I happen to have a soft spot for nut roast – an option often preferable to the meat that emerged from the school kitchen – it seems I'm in a cranky minority. A request for recipe recommendations was met with a polite silence on Twitter: vegetarianism, apparently, has moved on a bit. You don't see Yotam Ottolenghi faffing about with nut roasts, do you? But I'm determined to revive the fortunes of this much-maligned classic. After all, Christmas isn't Christmas without a luxury nut selection.

It is a necessary condition but an insufficient one.

Podson, yawning and frowsing out of his blanket, gaped at this ultimatum in the dawn.