Once, Cookie even tried to get me to give it a go with Jez – can you believe the nerve of that? 'Why would I want to do that? He's minging.' 'Why not? It won't hurt. He never gets a shag.' 'No, Cookie. Bloody hell.' He hasn't got a clue. 'Wouldn't you be jealous?' 'No.' 'You're an idiot. Why do you think he never gets a shag?' 'Why?' 'Because he's minging!' 'So? I'm minging. We're all minging. None of us are exactly page three, are we, Billie?'

If yez is smart yer will take out enough for a shant and some fun, enough to buy yer missus or yer tart a new dress, enough to put shoes on yer sister's weans, even, but leave the rest under yer feet for the next day, an' the day arter that.

Now that he was in his prime, there was no simian in all the mighty forest through which he roved that dared contest his right to rule, nor did the other and larger animals molest him.

The speech runs as follows: …