The government laid out its agenda for your dollars in Ottawa Wednesday as Governor General Michaelle Jean read the Speech from the Throne.

Congress recently increased federal funding for abstinence-only education from abo-from about 50 to 75 million dollars per year, and at least part of that money gets matched by the states, which means that students are still being exposed to abstinence-centered programs, (uh) but with names like WAIT (uh) which stands for “Why Am I Tempted?,” (uh) GO APE (uh) or “Abstinence Protects Everyone,” and No Screwin’ Around (uh) which I presume stands for (uh) “No One Should Copulate Regularly Except Wedded Individuals. (uh) Now, A Reach-around Occasionally Ultimately Not Disastrous.”

[A]lthough a few [slaves] live comfortably at Paramaribo, the greateſt number are wretched, particularly thoſe governed by a lady, who have many weals to ſhow, but not the ſmallest indulgence to boaſt of.

But you must keep skeleton staff on duty at all car parks while the event is still open.