Then, in a staggering display of empathy for the deceased lacking, this friend segues to the narcissist nub of the matter: Omg wat if yu get arrested b4 yur bdai.

I've flagged up the need for further investigation into this.

...heaves in a deep breath, gathers himself as though he's crossed a continent to deliver the message to Garcia.

… and advises the anchoresses to take on the basic religious vows …