After all, the author of Portnoy's Complaint and Sabbath's Theater has made a literary career out of fudging the line between his life and his fiction, writing endlessly aborn misogynistic protagonists teasingly named Philip.

TUFF METER

. I rounded the corner and made it to my Jeep, quickly locking the doors against any killer Marilyn Monroes before I picked up my call.

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.